What I Know About…Puppies.

I chew everything but LOOK AT MY FACE I'M ADORABLE.

I chew everything but LOOK AT MY FACE I’M ADORABLE.

Today marks one week since Bernadette the bernedoodle joined our family. She’s taught me so much already, as well as affirmed some things I already knew about myself. Like the fact that I’m impatient. Or that I can be a wee bit obsessive and controlling. And that I hate cleaning. 

So, what I’ve learned in 7 days about puppies:

1. Puppies really are like newborns. We’re up in the middle of the night. We have constant conversations about when she poops and pees and the consistency of both. I’m researching food and rubber toys and enzymatic cleaners and doggie toothpaste. The difference though with newborns, is that you don’t have to potty train them right away. You get to have diapers. Do people make doggie diapers?
2. Speaking of poop, having a puppy means you probably always have a little bit of pink eye. There is so much coming out of every orifice of their body at all times and you have to clean it and then they poop and lick that and then lick your face and it’s like, should I be on antibiotics for this phase?
3. Puppies need double the amount of bathing/grooming that I do. Yesterday, after Bernadette’s fourth bath in four days (all consequences of peeing ONTO HERSELF in her crate), I screamed at her, “Is this REALLY YOUR BEST?!” Thanks Brene Brown, I’m just over here #risingstrong.
4. They are expensive. All those things I listed in number one? Yeah, they cost money. She has ruined three toys in seven days and converted some of our nicer towels into “Bernadette Towels.”
5. Puppies make my voice so incredibly annoying. I actually cannot speak to her without raising it two octaves and squealing or yelling and clapping (when the inevitable branch or turd gets in her mouth). Our neighbors are going to hate me. 
6. The chewing. Of everything. Does it stop? I have a hard time seeing this stopping. Someone tell me this is going to stop.
7. I love her. I’m obsessed with her. When I yelled at her yesterday, I cried. I felt terrible and then we snuggled for 15 minutes and I let her lick my face with her poopy tongue. I know she will stop being a dud one day, but until then, my life is crying (from both of us), treats, paper towels, my annoying voice, so.much.poop, and lots and lot of puppy snuggles. And they are just the best.

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