The winter season has officially started, therefore it’s time for me to start my round of annual illnesses. I kicked it off with a bang, ushering in last week’s first snow with a hearty stomach bug.
My dad tells me that if I just ate better and exercised, I wouldn’t get sick as much. But I have made significant changes to my diet and my lifestyle over the past year and I’m not really expecting this winter to be much different. Some may call that pessimism, I call it being around too many children. Anyway … what I know about the stomach bug:
1. It always comes from children. I swear those little carrier monkeys have at least five active strains of different illnesses on their person at all times. It’s not their fault. They spend each and every day with other carrier monkeys. But their immune systems are like superheroes. It takes a really intense germ to knock out a 10-year-old. But me? All I have to do is touch it and I’m on the couch for three days.
2. Stomach bugs are sudden. For instance, on Wednesday, I was minding my own business, getting a pedicure with some girlfriends. And BAM, out of nowhere, I looked at my friends and said, “I need to go home because I think I have a stomach bug.” 30 minutes later, and I’m sprinting into my house so as to not puke in front of all my neighbors.
3. Your sick bed is key. You’ll need the comfiest couch with the best blankets in the house. You’ll need a coffee table that puts your laptop at eye-height while you’re laying down. This is for when you can’t sleep at 3 a.m. and you need to watch endless episodes of a show. You’ll need an outlet close by, to keep your phone charged for the many levels of Candy Crush you’ll want to play and a computer charger long enough to keep said laptop right in front of you. Make a roommate or husband orchestrate these things. It helps if he’s an engineer.
4. At some point, when you have run out of things to release from your body, you begin to blame the toilet. This week, I audibly asked my toilet, “What more do you want from me? I have nothing else to give!”
5. The cool tile of the bathroom floor is the best/worst thing in the world. It’s the best because after a good hurl, you can just lay there for a moment’s relief. But then, when you wake up three minutes later, you realize that your 6’6″ husband pees standing up and that’s a really long trajectory and you’re most likely laying in a couple week’s worth of splash back. #nothanks, tile.
6. Gatorade > water. I would like someone to explain to me the science behind this. When I have spent hours throwing up, drinking water will undoubtedly mean another trip the the toilet a few minutes later. Why is it that Gatorade is something we can keep down? Why does water make me want to die in this instance?
7. Get your flu shots people (read: Rachel). I don’t care how terrified you are of needles, after a night of throwing up, it just seems worth it.